i have had a pretty rough start of my summer. not to be dramatic but i literally had my biggest dreams completely and utterly crushed. i thought creating a blog would help with dealing with my thoughts and emotions- even if it is just for me to read.
giving some context to the situation (without speaking much of the specifics), i was extremely excited for an opportunity i had been dreaming of for literal years. it was so close to becoming a reality but unfortunately it did not happen. i was crushed and inconsolable for weeks. to some, this may not seem as heartbreaking as it did to me; but i truly wanted this so badly. it stings even more because one of the reasons i was not chosen for said opportunity was due to a decision made by someone else. despite this decision being out of my control, it effected my chances and was a reason i was not chosen.
it would be wrong of me to not share the other side of the coin in this story. the other reason i was not chosen was due to me not being able to do something they needed me to do in that very moment in time. understandable. not to mention i had subsequently received an email inviting me to what i viewed as a 'lesser' opportunity.
i had to do some reflecting over these past weeks in to why this hurt me in the way it did, and i am happy to be writing i may have found out why.
when i opened the email to see that i had not been chosen for the opportunity- my whole world crumbled. a million things went through my head at once, but i had to keep it together as i was still in public and didn't want to be known as the girl who randomly starts sobbing.
i also kept it relatively cool because i was denying my own reality. i thought that the email was sent to the wrong person or that i was invited to not only the 'lesser' of the two opportunities- but also the one i was hoping to receive. denial truly is the first stage of greif.
looking back on these actions made me question where the root of these vibrant and indigestible feelings were stemming from. as i ploughed and digged through the vast garden of emotions that were obstructing my typical way of life- i found something that i did not think i would of found:
"i did not want to have to watch from the sidelines"
this statement may seem ordinary. of course i don't want to watch people live out my hopes and dreams while i am stuck in the dirty, boggy mud. it is even worse as i personally know most of the people who were given the opportunity. this does not mean i dislike the people- i love most of the people (and the people i dislike are not disliked because they got the the opportunity!).
this is something i have wanted for so long, and to see people who have come in and beaten me to it is so unbelievably frustrating.
i also found myself comparing my experience and my journey with others. in terms of the opportunity- i am extremely new yet extremely passionate to the realm in which this opportunity is home to (sorry for being vague, i am trying to not reveal to much). comparing myself to the people who were given the opportunity is ridiculous!! when i realised that, things became easier to swallow.
now. how do we actually deal with disappointment? i have made a little guide for you all (just incase you are dealing with a case of disappointment disease).
- address the disappointment and acknowledge why you feel this way. i suggest writing or talking to someone about how you feel.
- do something fun! draw, go out, watch your fav tv show! i got back into greys anatomy as a way to help distract myself for a bit.
- keep off social media!!! this is a big one. never compare your personal journey with others.
- if you have someone, talk to them! me and my friend were both disappointed so it was comforting to both me and her to confide in one another.
- surround yourself with joy. i know it sounds ridiculous, but it truly is the key. you are what you consume.
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